HEAVEN'S EXORCIST ARMY
About us
We are Heaven's one and only line of defense. Our mission is to protect our holy kingdom from the sinners who are threatening the pearly gates. If you see evil sinners roaming around contact our number +333 446-264-892 and we will exorcise it for you with no hesitation (Calls are available H24 every day of the week with the exception of friday from 9:00 PM to Saturday 4:00 AM, we have movie night scheduled by Adam at that time)
YOU'VE SEEN A SINNER NEARBY? CONTACT US!
OUR HISTORY
Heaven's exorcist army has been purifying our lands from filthy sinners for 8 years. After Lilith's uprising, the Seraphim funded the army with the help of Adam (The First Man and Dickmaster) to protect Heaven. The exorcists, under their charming leader Adam and the lieutenant Lute have been descending to the pride ring of hell once a year to stop hell's overpopulation and avoid an uprising by slaughtering as many sinners as they could. The first tragedy in the army happened when Vagina betrayed the troops by sparing an evil sinner and became a sinner herself.
During the 8th extermination, just as Sera predicted, the sinners under Charlie Morningstar (Daughter of the first traitor of Heaven, Lucifer) rebelled and brutally killed our Dickmaster. Heaven went through a terrible loss, we all cried over losing our charming leader (who didn't is a traitor as it goes against our warrior code) and Adam's son, Abel, became our leader because of PURE NEPOTISM. Our mission besides the slaughter of demons is the one of avenging the Dickmaster and bring back justice.
OUR MUSIC
HELL IS FOREVER
GRAVITY
ABEL'S BREAKDOWN
WANT KICKASS MERCH?
We are not only a line of defense, we also offer BADASS MERCH FOR EVERYONE TO BUY (no demons). Buy our merch bitch and you'll be (almost) as cool as us!
Lieutenant's mask 69,99
Want to intimidate demons on halloween? You can purchase a replica of our Lieutenant's mask so you can scare the demons away!!!
Dickmaster and Dangertits plushies 49,99
Can't sleep at night? The demons keep you awake? Buy our softest Lute and Adam plushies. Standing on 14 inch they will protect you from sinner scum every night! (Cannot be sold separately)
HELL IS FOREVER POSTER 14,99
Did you enjoy the piece Hell is Forever by the Dickmaster? OF COURSE YOU DID, BITCH! That's why you should buy this poster and put it on your wall just like we exorcists mount sinners'heads on ours!
ADAM FUCKING CALLS YOU OUT 99,99
If you want the man with the most huge dick in the world to acknowledge your existence, you can spend your Heaven bucks over here! The Dickmaster will provide a 1 minute long custom video where he will salute you. (Currently unavailable, we don't know when or whether it will be available for purchase again)
LUTE SHOUTS AT YOU 99,99
If you want the lieutenant to leave a custom message for you where she will also educate you on how to act correctly in our holy kingdom, this is the right service for you. You'll receive a 1 minute long video where she will shout and call your name out. (Due to previous inconveniences, we want to specify that this is not a NSFW service, so fuckoff, you wish you had us you little cunt!)
TRY OUR EDUCATION SYSTEM!
You know someone that died too young? A poor angel soul that couldn't afford education in their human life? Fear not for we exorcists have our very own educational program where we will help these souls, teaching them morals, education and learning everything from the basics. And guess what? IT'S ALL FAMILY FRIENDLY BITCH! For more info, contact us!
WANNA JOIN THE ARMY? APPLY NOW!
You want to get your hands dirty? Visit our employment page to find out how to join the exorcist army and kill demon filth on your own!